A guy walked into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He put them down on a stool and said to the bartender: "I'll have a Scotch and soda." and the crocodile added: "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The bartender was amazed, "That's incredible," he gasped, "I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" "He can't," said the guy. "The chicken's a ventriloquist"

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast too if you had as much money as I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "25 cents."

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said,
"Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.